Life
Lost
Sometimes,
I would wonder if everything happens for a reason
or if
we just give reasons to everything that happens?
I would wonder if there is a purpose in life
or if
we are supposed to give it purpose
I mean, sometimes getting out of bed would just feel so heavy and I would ask myself what I was living for. I'd feel the emptiness, the confusion and the depression just merging into one feeling and into nothing at all
I just couldn't understand what was creating these feelings, and because I didn't know where exactly these feelings came from, I didn't know what I needed to do to get rid of them -it was to the point, I thought that ending this life would be the solution.
I didn't do anything about it though.
I
just kept thinking about it, a lot.
In
fact, the more I thought about it,
the
more I just couldn't.
There
was just something holding me back.
One day, a friend messaged me.
He
was completely shattered.
"she said Hi at 3am but I was too busy at work. I was.. too late.
If
only I had just picked up my phone and replied her, maybe things would have
been different."
"wait, wait, what are you saying..??" I replied, hoping I misunderstood his message.
He was a paramedic at work.
"I
got a call at 4am, and when I rushed to the scene, I just couldn't take it when
I realised it was her. I knew her. we weren't that close, but I knew her. We
tried to resuscitate her for about 45 minutes and it looked like she was trying
to fight for her life; she was trying to breathe. She fought; she really did,
for another hour, until she could fight no more..
And
then I just broke down at the scene.
I just can't believe she was still there at 3am and now she's just gone, gone forever, and I can't do a thing about it. If only I said something, maybe it would have changed her mind. If only we got to the scene earlier, maybe she would still be alive."
I just can't believe she was still there at 3am and now she's just gone, gone forever, and I can't do a thing about it. If only I said something, maybe it would have changed her mind. If only we got to the scene earlier, maybe she would still be alive."
I was speechless. Tears just rolled down my face, and I don't even know her, at all. I might not even understand a quarter of the pain that he was feeling, but his pain really got to me, and I felt it.
The Effects
He
then started telling me that it was her boyfriend who found her. Her boyfriend
lives just opposite to her place, and because the pain and loss was too
overwhelming for him, he collapsed at the hospital when he saw her once more.
Could you even imagine her parents waking up to a call in the morning and thinking it's almost time for work, but then gets told their baby is dead?
Her parents rushed to the hospital and when they got there, her mother screamed and tried to wake her baby up. She kept screaming and shaking her, with tears dripping down all over her daughter's face, but she didn't wake up. She couldn't.
And her father, he just stood there in shock, he couldn't even speak, because the child that he watched grow up was gone forever.
they didn't even get the chance to say goodbye, and it wasn't the type of 'goodbye, see you next time', it was the 'goodbye, this is forever'.
Why?
"Doesn't
she know her parents love her a lot?
Did she forget about her boyfriend who wanted to have a family together with her one day??
Does she not know how many people would be hurting if you left, just like that?? How could she do this??"
Did she forget about her boyfriend who wanted to have a family together with her one day??
Does she not know how many people would be hurting if you left, just like that?? How could she do this??"
All
these questions came to mind
And then I realised...
I
can't do this. I can't even take this vicarious pain that I feel.
How
could I do such a thing when there are people who loves me
How
will they truly smile and laugh and be happy again
How will they sleep at all?
How will they sleep at all?
How
will they live on after I've caused them so much trauma?
It was at this point that it all came clear to me.
I
have everything.
You could say, I am lucky; too lucky, too comfortable and too sheltered, and I have become accustomed to it all. I don't know what it's like to starve to death, to drink dirty water and or to live in cardboard boxes, and I very well know my parents made sure I would never know what that would feel like..
I have everything.. I just didn't appreciate it.
a
roof over my head, food on the table, a family with two parents and siblings.
So
many people out there would do anything to have these things
"what am I living for?" it was right in front of me. It always has been. I was just very blind. It was almost like when you hold a small object in clenched fist for so long that you could stop feeling it and almost forget it's there. I guess I forgot about all the little things in life
I'm
not saying we should live for others, and I wasn't trying to suggest that either,
but if we just stopped for a moment and looked at everything around us, we
would probably be asking ourselves, "what was I trying to die for?"
I
mean, what would I really achieve in doing that...?
